Chapter 4: 'Best Of Enemies'
Spike didn’t know that I knew where we were headed.
He also had no idea I’d knocked him out the night before with a skilful Sleepel and then craftily stolen a look at his map as he slumbered unawares. I felt it’d be much safer if I kept that little gem of knowledge to myself. Cloud must have wondered when I’d guess at our destination; the landmarks we were passing were all getting increasingly familiar and obvious. The sun was high in the azure sky overhead, damn near blinding and turning passing Monster birds into darkly sinister silhouettes high up above us. The heat was unbearably heavy and oppressive. I count tolerate it fairly well myself, having grown up in a country that was always blisteringly hot but Cloud I noticed was getting more and more irritable by the hour.
His general good mood that morning had soured quickly and the most I could get out of him now were monosyllabic answers or grunts so I kinda gave up talking for a while and concentrated on the scenery instead. The leafy forests had given way to rolling grassland which had eventually given made way for increasingly rockier terrain. In no time at all it seemed rocky cliff faces had sprouted up all around us and we were navigating the rickety old deserted train track which marked the route to Corel Town with the irritating chirp of crickets all about us.
“So what are you gonna do in Gold Saucer then Spike?” I asked innocently as I hopped neatly over a gaping hole in the track and sidestepped a suspiciously creaking plank. Cloud, a way further up the track, stiffened in surprise, glancing back quickly over his shoulder at me. I continued cheerfully onward, eyes fixed with concentration on the track, pretending I hadn’t noticed him pause to scrutinise me.
“What makes you think I’m goin’ there?” Cloud started walking again albeit with a brooding frown, his tone clipped.
I rolled my eyes wearily. “Well, duh. We’re obviously headed to Corel and all crappy old Corel has is old people and junk and all it leads to is that smelly, empty old reactor and the Gold Saucer Tram.” I paused to re-tie my green bandana, mopping perspiration from my brow and pushing my sticky hair back away from my face for what seemed the 50th time. The heat was so intense I could hear it hissing around us subtly, the air seeming to seethe with it. “I seriously doubt you’ve taken to collectin’ junk, junky Materia or maybe even old people...ew...so Gold Saucer’s the place! Gimme some credit Spike, it’s hardly rocket science.” Quite pleased with my logical reasoning AND avoiding the issue about sneaking an illegal peek at his map whilst he slept I was feeling pretty smug at this point.
Cloud seemed surprised , glancing briefly back over one shoulder with his keen Mako eyes filled with grudging admiration. Suddenly he stopped altogether and just regarded me silently with a completely unreadable expression, his eyes calculating. I began to fidget. Why the heck does he keep doing that? Gods, it’s so irritating and uncomfortable. “What!” I eventually exploded, the heat making me unreasonable and short tempered. “Do I have a booger on my face or somethin’? Quit starin’ at me like that...!”
Cloud just smirked, casually flicking some hair out of his eyes as he turned back to the path without answering or offering any explanation for his increasing weirdness which I felt he owed me seeing as I’d been putting up with this kind of odd, random behaviour since I’d started tagging along. So maybe he didn’t really want me here and if he had a choice I’d have been left behind in Costa Del Sol from the start but was there really any need to inflict these periodic, mysterious appraisals on me when I least expected them? Gawd.
Confused and annoyed I followed him, keeping an eye out for dodgy or suspicious looking planks even as I puzzled over his little idiosyncrasies in my head. But...what if it wasn’t him but me? ...what if I really do have a booger on my face? Ah! Panicked, I checked urgently but found nothing - confirming that the problem was definitely Cloud, not me or stray boogers. AS IF a total hottie like me would ever need to worry about that! Ha!
Cloud spoke suddenly, surprising me out of my musings. I started and almost lost my footing, almost. “I have... some business in Gold Saucer, a few things I need to do...” His tone was evasive and I didn’t fail to notice this but my curiosity is insatiable, what can I say.
“Business?” I probed, nimbly hopping over a jutting plank. “Like what?”
“It’s not important.” Cloud replied unhelpfully.
“Why so secretive?” I teased, smirking a little to myself. “Are you, like, one of those male escorts? Ooh that’s so seedy! But you must work really long distance to compete with all those other gigolos, right?” I guffawed at his horrified expression, gleefully warming to my new game. “Or a Mafia agent!” I squealed excitedly. The idea appealed to my imagination as I pictured little gun toting Clouds ducking behind dumpsters to wage war with other Mafia gang lords in some battle ridden city. Cloud’s expression was becoming increasingly more pained as I continued my tirade. “Wow, I always knew that Dio geezer was a suspicious character! I mean, any fully grown man who wanders about in public in just his underwear is seriously-“
“YUFFIE!” Cloud protested explosively, cradling his face in his hands in mute exasperation. “I DON’T work for the Mafia and I’m NOT a fricken’ long distance gigolo or any other crazy professions your overworked imagination is cooking up!” He stomped away angrily, causing the already dangerously frail train track to buckle and shake alarmingly, spurring up dust. Hells, what does Cloud wear on his feet anyways? Boulders?
I sighed, rolled my eyes and took a step forward...letting out a piercing cry as I fell right through the rotten, splintered planks beneath me and slid roughly and at an increasingly scary speed down the rocks, scraping my knees and the palms of my hands as I scrabbled to grab a hold of anything to stop my mad slide. I knocked my head sharply against a jutting rock but managed to grab hold and hang on to the rock face. Panting and whimpering slightly with the thick, throbbing pain in my head I blinked up through the dust swirling above me and could just make out Cloud’s worried face quite a ways above, scanning the cliff urgently for me.
“Yuffie? Where are you! Are you okay!” Cloud’s voice floated down to me.
“Urhh...” I gasped weakly, releasing one hand from its tight grip on the rock to wipe a thick trickle of blood out of my stinging eyes as I squinted to keep Cloud in sight. No, I’m not okay jerk! I just fell down a bloody cliff! I thought, waving my free hand desperately, now painted a sickening scarlet with my own blood. “Down here!”
Cloud’s face relaxed with relief as he spotted me clinging like a barnacle to the rocky ledge and trembling a little with shock and the effort of maintaining my grip. “I’m gonna lower a rope okay?” He called down and I nodded weakly, hoping he’d see it. “When it comes, just grab it tight, hang on and I’ll pull you back up!”
I breathed deeply and steadily, ignoring the blood trickling steadily down my face as I waited for Cloud to rescue me. It always looks worse than It really is, you know that Yuffs. I reassured myself, straining not to pass out from dizziness and the blood. My palms and knees stung bitterly where I’d scraped them and there was an odd, heavy ache in my right leg that twinged painfully if I moved.
Soon I felt the rope brush against me as it swung down and I grabbed and hung on as tight as I could, waiting for Cloud to start tugging me upward to safety. The pain was subsiding a little but the dizziness made it kinda hard to focus. Through the dark bangs plastered with sweat around my face and across my eyes, the dust and blood drying itchily on my skin incredibly I still spotted a slight sparkle to my right where the cliff and metal structure of the track intermeshed. Without thinking, my Materia Hunter’s instinct kicked in and I reached out and grabbed at whatever it was and held it close to me, closing my eyes and clinging as tight as I could to the rope as Cloud heaved me upwards.
Finally I felt Cloud’s warm, comforting grip around my waist as he half dragged, half pulled me back onto the questionable safety of the train track. I pretty much fell into his arms and he held me close without protest, as if sensing I needed it. “Ssshhh Yuffs, it’s okay now. I got you.”
“R-right...” I breathed into Cloud’s dark, dusty tank top, shaking with relief, shock and Leviathan knows what else as he held me close, my head tucked under his chin with his resting atop my temple like two pieces of a puzzle. I felt one hand in my hair, moving gently, calmingly as he whispered comforting little nothings to me. Eventually I calmed down enough to appreciate that I was in Cloud’s arms and then my hormones went into overload. Woah...if there was some way to prolong this moment for eternity I’d gladly give up my entire Materia stash. I’d never felt so safe and warm in my life, not even in those patchy memories of my mother, when she used to cuddle me as a child and tell me stories that sent me to sleep with dreams of Princes and Princesses and dragons. Hmmm... “Phew..” I managed a shaky laugh against his shoulder. “That was a close one, huh?”
“Certainly was....ouch, hey, what is that?” Cloud pulled away from me, holding me gently at arms length with one hand and rubbing at his chest with the other. He was looking down questioningly at the object still clutched forgotten in my hands.
“Oh!” I frowned, noting finally that it was actually a small glittery grey pouch, the kind we used to find little trinkets and treasures in back when we were chasing General Sephiroth across the planet. “No clue, I kinda just grabbed it as you pulled me up, it was wedged into the rock.”
Cloud’s eyes brightened. “Oh yeah, I remember those. I’ve fallen lots of times off this track myself-“
“Erm...that’s nothing to brag about you know...”
Cloud rolled his eyes and continued. “-and I always came up again with some kind of treasure.” His gaze flickered briefly to the cut on my forehead that was still weeping a little blood then returned to my eyes again, a rueful smile ghosting over his lips. “Never fell quite as far as you though Yuffs, that’s a new record.”
“I wasn’t trying to break some stupid record you moron, it was a frickin’ accident.” I bristled defensively. “Which YOU caused by the way by stompin’ around in your goddamn elephant sized boots!”
Cloud raised a brow but said nothing, returning to his examination of my wounds. I winced and huffed pointedly as he prodded the scrapes on my palms, calculating the damage.
“Just sit still and let me get you cleaned up.”
“Fine, whatever.” Annoyed that I couldn’t find anything to argue with in his sentence I merely nodded and sighed, allowing him to sit me down on a nearby rock as he rifled through our packs looking for a Restore Materia. I took the oppertunity to check my pockets, sighing with relief as my hand closed around the Chakra Materia. Part of me had kidna hoped it might have been lost in the fall so I would no longer be tempted to use it but another darker part of me was crowing victory that I still had it in my possession. I still didn't know what hell I was gonna do with the thing though...
Soon Cloud had healed my cuts and scrapes and with surprising gentleness cleaned away the blood around my face and hands. We looked pointedly away from each other as he worked in silence, embarrassed by the seeming intimacy of the contact. Well, I can only assume that was the case with Cloud. More likely he didn’t want to see the blatant swell of crush induced desire in my eyes so he avoided them. But his touch was gentle, considerate and I kept remembering the way he’d held me close after I’d fallen like I was something precious... Pffft...get a grip Yuffs, why would he think that?
I sighed miserably, watching Cloud pack away our things with a little frown. Even though the more dominant part of me kept saying over and over that pursuing Cloud like this was pointless there was a small part that just wouldn’t give up and kept on hoping regardless. I felt torn to put it simply and quite frankly the feeling sucked worse than all the suckiest things I’d ever experienced put together. After all this is over I am SO gonna meet up with Vinnie and write a bestseller on unrequited love. Hells, we’d even have enough material between us for a sequel too.
“So what’s this treasure then?” Cloud crouched down beside me, an expression of distant curiosity on his handsome face.
“Oh yeah! Let’s have a look!” I grinned with renewed enthusiasm, banishing my worries, and hastily opened the silver pouch in my lap, reaching inside for whatever marvellous treasure lurked in waiting. My jaw dropped when I pulled out a BodyShield of folded and ancient looking black leather that looked like it wouldn’t have protected it’s wearer from a flurry of marshmallows let alone all the sharp and dangerous weapons that existed in the world. “Hmmph...what is this crap! I fell halfway down a cliff and all I got was some lousy shirt?”
Cloud suddenly started laughing; laughing like he’d inhaled giggle gas and overdosed. I’d never heard him laugh before in the almost two years that I’d known him and frankly, it was the most disturbing thing I’d ever seen, even counting the one time I’d walked in on Reeve slow dancing with Cait Sith in his office.
“WHAT!” I demanded, resisting the urge to stuff the damned BodyShield into his open mouth and push them both off the cliff.
Cloud sobered, shaking his head and shrugging diffidently. “Just...forget it.” He was still smirking slightly however. “There must be something else in there...I’m pretty sure I felt something sharp.”
Hmm... I reached inside again and pulled out a small ring, set with a jade gemstone that glittered like a cat’s eye mutely in the bright sunlight. The metal it was set in was unusual; it looked like silver but it had a strange liquid sheen to it, giving the odd impression that strange shapes and designs were moving independently across its surface. Weird. It was pretty though and numbed the disappointment of the crappy BodyShield considerably.
“MINE.” I announced smugly, slipping it onto my ring finger and poking my tongue out at a bemused looking Cloud. He gazed at the ring on my hand for a moment, not with desire but with puzzlement and faint recognition working his features.
Suddenly he whistled as he let out an exhale of surprise. His MAKO eyes were penetratingly bright through the lazy fall of his jagged blonde spikes as they met mine, scratching his chin thoughtfully. “That’s Mythril you know Yuffs, it’s really rare and worth a fortune.” Oh, it’s just getting better and better! I thought contentedly. Heh, what a great day this is! “If you ever think of selling it there’s a Weapon Seller near Gold Saucer who’d give an arm and a leg for some Mythril.”
I snickered. “Yeah, but he wouldn’t be able to enjoy it would he, with only half of his limbs.”
“Uh yeah...”Cloud laughed a bit nervously, climbing to his feet. “You’re really weird you know, Yuffs.” He observed with a sigh as he absently dusted off his pants. I snorted, watching him swipe his pack up from the ground. I took this as a sign that break time was over and quickly snatched up my own along with my Shuriken, stuffing the leather BodyShield and empty pouch inside.
I moved over to Cloud’s side as he strapped Ultima Weapon to his back once more, squinting at the sun and then down the track as he worked the thick leather buckles. “If we move fast we might make it to Corel by nightfall...you ready?”
I grinned and nodded and we set off into the afternoon light. As we walked though I couldn’t shake of the sudden sensation of being watched. I kept my senses alert as we moved, wondering what could be causing the ominous feeling...
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“I don’t get it.”
Cloud glanced back at me with a look of consternation, reluctant to ask. “...you don’t ‘get’ what?”
“You.” I replied simply as I moved agilely over the maze of broken wood and rock that pretty much made up the path ahead of us. “If you’re not doin’ somethin’ illegal or sordid then why are you bein’ so moronic and not tellin’ me what you’re getting up to in Gold Saucer?” I dodged a gnarled tree root that seemed to spring up out of nowhere and paused briefly to wipe sweat from my face with the dirty, blood splattered hem of my T-shirt. The heat had become more bearable as the day tailed away into afternoon but the air was still heavy and humid making me feel increasingly ickier as we moved. Crickets continued to chirp around us, accompanied by the faint hiss of a rattlesnake now and then.
“What? Not this again...” Cloud ran a gloved hand through his haphazard spikes and groaned. ”Yuffs, can’t we just forge-“
“Shhhh!” I hissed suddenly, moving quickly to Cloud’s side.
Without thinking I reached up and clamped a gloved hand over his mouth and pressed us both back against the rock wall to one side of the little path and into a dense patch of shade, ignoring Cloud’s muffled questioning. My eyes darted about the silent cliffs surrounding us, straining for even the tiniest telltale movement. I was certain I’d heard the scuffle of feet on rock and the feeling of being watched had intensified in the still silence of the canyon. The hairs on the back of my neck prickled expectantly and a finger of apprehension trailed the length of my spine.
Then I saw it; a flash of black up amongst the riddle of rock a fair distance behind us. I tensed, my heartbeat a frantic volley of thuds in my chest. I looked urgently up at Cloud and raised a finger meaningfully to my lips. Cloud pulled a face but obediently made no sound; his facial expression clearly stated how ironic he thought it was that I, of all people, was asking for silence. I motioned for him to follow me and set off quickly down the path, keeping to shadows and cover where I could find it as we moved. I had a destination in mind; I just hoped we hadn’t passed it already and, more importantly, that I could remember where it was.
There was a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach where worry and apprehension mixed a cocktail of dread. I had a powerful hunch who could be stalking us this far out in the middle of nowhere and the news was less than appealing. Great, typical...Gawd those assholes have such perfect timing! Almost a year and a half had passed with nothing to break the monotony of life on the run and suddenly this, right when I was kinda in the middle of something vitally important, trying to see if there was a chance Cloud could possibly-perhaps-just-maybe feel the same way about me and the rude bastards just had to come bargin’ in to ruin all the progress I’d made!
My father’s duty and honour bound Samurai.
Oh crap.
I was smack dab in between a rock and a hard place. It was a no-win situation as far as I could see. If I told Cloud the truth he’d be furious with me and probably abandon me out here to deal with my own crappy problems and if I didn’t confess to him we’d still have Samurai on our asses wherever we went and eventually they wouldn’t be satisfied with just watching and stalking, they’d go in for the kill; Me, as fate would have it...and I’m really not in the mood for explaining my disappearance to my father’s most deadly assassins, being dragged back to Wutai to explain to my father himself or even just explaining to Cloud for that matter...
Of course...there was always the possibility that my father had just disowned me and sentenced me to death as was the ancient and totally anal-retentive custom of dealing with dishonour in the family line...true it hadn’t been practised for centuries but all my other ancestors had been freakishly well behaved. Grrrwah, well there’s no way I’ll be going without a fight so if they come anywhere near me we’ll just see how much they like shuriken up their asses, eh? Heh heh that’d teach ‘em for getting on Yuffie Kisaragi’s last nerve! I‘m goin’ out the way I’d come into this world; kicking and screaming!
After what seemed an age of scanning the cliff face as we moved I finally spotted the little niche I was looking for, the sort of natural rock deformation you’d never spot or think to look for unless you already knew it was there. Old memories resurfaced as I climbed, Cloud a step behind. Last time we’d discovered this place purely by accident and Cloud, Aeris and I had stumbled upon a nest of Chicklets and a treasure trove of Pheonix Downs. Guilt made a small cameo presence as I remembered the way I’d cooed over them with Aeris and vowed virtuously to leave the Pheonix Downs well alone...only to sneak back later and pilfer them all ruthlessly. Heh, I even managed to sell the chicks in Corel.
Once a thief always a thief, I guess.
The nest was long gone now, just a scattered mound of twigs, old eggshells and feathers. Cloud and I crouched together in the remains, shoulder to shoulder, breathing as soundlessly as possible although my heart was pounding horribly hard in my chest. I found myself gripping Cloud’s gloved hand tightly in my lap. How’d that get there..? If I hadn’t been buzzing with adrenalin induced apprehension maybe I’d have fully appreciated the way Cloud squeezed back reassuringly as we huddled together in terse silence.
It seemed like it was hours we sat there, who knew how much time really passed, but I noticed vaguely as I drowsed against Cloud’s shoulder that the bright afternoon sunshine was slowly bleeding away into dusky twilight, the sky darkening as the sun half nestled upon the horizon. With heavy lidded eyes I gazed at the narrow opening where a sliver of the outside world could be seen, waiting for our stalker to appear, my head tucked comfortably beneath Cloud’s chin in the narrow space. I tried not to let the warm press of muscle through the ribbed material of his shirt distract me as I watched but it wasn’t easy. I’m only human after all. Cloud dozed on, oblivious, his hair tickling my cheek pleasantly.
I sat bolt upright as a dark figure moved without warning past the small opening. Cloud tensed beside me, seeing him too. The man moved on wickedly silent feet, dressed all in black -In this heat? Was the guy insane!- The bottom half of his face was covered by a scarf –black, biiig surprise- but I caught the sly slant of unmistakably Wutaian eyes, keen and ebony black, like his neatly top knotted hair, set in an angular face with the high cheekbones characteristic of a typical Wutaian. Another moment and the guy tip toed -Tip toed! How obvious can you GET! With difficulty, I quelled the urge to go down there and give him some proper sneaking lessons. - from sight and Cloud and I were left breathing fast in the tiny niche, gazing unblinkingly at the space he’d passed through.
Ohshitohshitohshit...
My suspicions had been confirmed. There was no identifying insignia on the man’s uniform but the clothes he was wearing just screamed ‘Whoopeeeee! I’m a Spy!’. If this had been any other situation I might have laughed; the guy had to have been the most conspicuous spy I’d ever seen. Hadn’t he ever heard of ‘disguise’! Usually a key factor when you don’t want to be discovered. There were other obvious clues too; his blatantly Wutaian heritage for one that I just knew would have Cloud asking all sorts of uncomfortable questions just as soon as it was safe to move and speak again. But there was only one man after all...strange when Samurai move in groups...he may have been scoutin’ ahead for the others, confirmin’ our presence here.
Great, just PEACHY.
Cloud and I sat in silence for another half hour but the atmosphere had changed subtly. Cloud was tense and stiff by my side and trying to catch my eye which I avoided at all costs, staring instead at the gap ahead over my the tops of my grass stained knees as though I expected another figure to appear at any moment. I didn’t dare lean into him the way I had before; he was emanating anger in thick, invisible waves. I fidgeted uncomfortably, wondering WHAT THE HELL I was gonna tell him.
Finally we climbed out of the little niche, my joints creaking after being cramped up in one position for so long. Almost as soon as my feet touched the ground I was whirled round roughly to face a seething Cloud, his grip on my shoulders bone crushing. His MAKO eyes smouldered blue fury as he glared down at me through jagged blonde spikes. I smiled sheepishly and his scowl intensified into a death glare. Heh...oh Holy Chocobo ass...
“W-what? You get a stone in your shoe? Heh m-me too, dontcha just hate...that...” I trailed off; Cloud looked like he was about to explode.
“WHO. THE. HELL. WAS. THAT?” He demanded bluntly in a scarily low voice I remembered well from times past. Whenever we’d heard Cloud start to use THAT voice all AVALANCHE members had run for cover in the various hiding places the Highwind had to offer...I distinctly remember hiding in a giant cooking pot with Cid once during one such occasion. He’d been so anxious he’d just stuffed a whole cigarette box in his mouth and lit up the end, nearly burning his face off. I have a photo somewhere of Cid with no eyebrows...I’ve been saving it for future blackmail, hehe.
“How am I supposed to know!” I floundered; gesturing as well as I could in Cloud’s vice-like grip out into the darkness. “If you didn’t notice -I was hidin’ too!”
Cloud released me abruptly and stepped back, fuming. “I think you have some idea...don’t you think it’s kinda suspicious you knowing we were being followed and running like that? How’d you know that the guy was dangerous? He could have been just another traveller like us or a miner on his way back to town, so why did you suddenly run and hide? Well?”
I clamped my mouth shut and refused to answer, straightening to my full height which wasn’t particularly impressive and folding my arms pointedly across my chest. “Look, I just saved your ass so show a little more gratitude you jerk!” I shook a finger in his face and, it was a really childish thing to do but, I stamped my foot. Cloud glanced down, arching a brow but wisely not commenting. I sighed, rubbing at my temple wearily where a headache had manifested with throbbing pain. “We’ve both got our secrets okay so let’s just leave it at that. As long as we stay out of sight we’ll be fine and if we do bump into that guy again I can deal with him myself so you don’t have to worry about getting your hands dirty, okay?”
“It’s dark.” Cloud said shortly, turning to the path as if he hadn’t heard what I’d said. His face was grimly set and his eyes flinty in the fading light. “Let’s just get the hell out of here and to Gold Saucer, we’ll discuss this when we get there - unless we run into your little friend again.” Without waiting for an answer he stalked off into the growing darkness, leaving me gaping moronically, arms hanging loosely at my sides like a surprised chimpanzee.
Like hell... I thought, grabbing up my Shuriken violently as I stomped after him.
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Gold Saucer’s a pretty crazy place you know. No really, hear me out on this one!
Gold Saucer is haven and home to the terminally bored and the nauseatingly rich. A perverse man-made world where wasters and chronic gamblers unite to fritter away their lives in the most demeaning and pointless ways imaginable. You mighta guessed it but…personally, I’m not exactly a huge fan of the place. If I had any sensibilities I’m pretty sure it’d ruffle every single one of them several times over.
And the proprietor of this establishment? Well...
Imagine in your minds eye the most obscenely muscled, steroid pumped wrestler type and winner of the worlds worst fake tan competition. Got him? Now, strip that mental image down to a pair of absurdly inappropriate pink pants and you have, guys, touched the mere tip of the iceberg here. Dio owns and runs the joint; a self made Moolah Mogul? Messiah of the playtime industry?
Think again.
If Junon City’s ‘Who’s who?’ magazine has any credibility Dio inherited the theme park empire from his late uncle Martine who sadly went slightly insane in his old age. Martine, whatever, ended his days tragically, believing himself to be a penguin (he drowned whilst foraging for fish in the Northern Sea...sucks for him) and the Gold Saucer legacy was immediately passed to a bemused Dio, who took up the reigns and, in his own famous words, decided ‘What the heck, I’ll give it a crack! Heh heh heh!’
Freak.
Anyway, for some geezer who knew absolutely nothing about running a theme park and the seedy attractions that go hand in hand with it (Casinos, Chocobo Racing, Rides, Hotels, Swindling, Debauchery and downright deviousness) Dio’s done pretty well for himself, even I have to admit.
The impressively vulgar outer glitz of fireworks, cartoon Mogs and rainbow lights are a thickly painted layer to mask over what the Saucer really is... a giant money sucking parasite. I wasn’t impressed with many of the attractions during our last visit and it was my first time at a theme park, ever, in my whole entire life. Pretty soon, after parting with a painful amount of GP at the racetrack, I realised that the Chocobo matches were fixed and the amateur and no doubt handpicked racers had no chance against the mysterious Joe and his abnormally skilled Chocobo.
Jeez…and then there’s the Speed Square which might have had potential for fun if it wasn’t for the sickeningly fluorescent and blinding lights that sent you into epileptic seizures halfway round the circuit. And I swear that some sick bastard installed a permanent Poison Materia on that damned Buggey that would have even the hardiest of seafaring pirates puking his guts out by the end of the first round. I know Cid did, too many times to count in order to complete his prized 1/35 soldier collection, and he’s a fricken’ Pilot for Gawds sake.
And the crowning cherry atop this gargantuan dunghill? Battle Square; hangout for overly aggressive types to vent their frustrations by pummelling the captivity bred monsters or otherwise (when they couldn’t scrape together the GP to get in) sobbing pathetically into their consolation prize tissues.
So overall, when I think of Gold Saucer I imagine a giant garishly coloured, spangled vacuum sucking money out of people’s pockets and their lives before their eyes with Dio on the other end of that hoover roaring with laughter in just a ridiculous pink thong. A disturbing mental image I know. Call me traditional but there are principles when it comes to stealing for Gawds sake and this legalised method -gambling urgh- just gets right up my nose!
So why I am I tellin’ you all this? Well that’s where I’m standing right now, gazing up disdainfully at the giant Mog shaped, hot pink entrance, with Cloud nearby rifling desperately through his pockets for his Gold Ticket.
The journey to Corel had been pretty uneventful. Cloud wouldn’t speak a word to me and I wasn’t gonna buckle first and break the silence. Corel’s inhabitants were all tucked up asleep in their tents – How many years had it been since their village had been destroyed? In all that time they hadn’t thought to REBUILD? Sheesh.- and didn’t notice us pass through. The tram attendant just waved us sleepily on board with a giant yawn and I watched out the window as Corel dwindled to a speck on the horizon.
I did notice though, with a jolt as the Tram took off, a head pop out of random bush near the Tram Hut and scan the area. I briefly met the eyes of our Wutaian stalker who seemed to jump with surprise at being spotted and, feeling a surge of spitefulness, I flipped him the finger whilst waving cheerfully with my other hand as we quickly disappeared into the clouds. What an idiot...that guy had to be the worst spy I’d ever seen.
I yawned, moving over to where Cloud was still desperately searching for his Lifetime Ticket. The blonde attendant, wearing a scandalously short mini skirt, watched his struggle with blank interest, chewing gum open mouthed and glancing every now and then into the shiny surface of the wall to her right to check her reflection.
Eventually, with obvious relief, Cloud located the ticket and handed it over. Finally...
“Thanks cutie!” The girl’s eye lashes fluttered hypnotically and even I found myself blinking dazedly.
My eyes bulged and a vein throbbed hugely in my forehead as I noticed the vapid attendant slip a small card into Cloud’s gloved hand as she handed back the ticket. A psychopathic urge to maim coursed through my veins with corrosive jealousy as I spotted the words ‘Daphne – Call Me’ and then a jumble of numbers. Cloud gazed between her coyly smiling face and the card in confusion, cheeks flushing as he smiled awkwardly. “Uhm...”
“MOVE IT!” Unable to bear it any longer I snatched the card from Cloud’s hand and pushed him roughly through the entrance, waiting till he’d disappeared inside. Without warning I violently trampled on the foot of the attendant, who immediately crumpled in pain. Ah well...while I’m at it... “Hands off okay! He’s taken!” I’ve always wanted to say that, hehe! I spun dramatically on my heel and stormed the way Cloud had gone, leaving the girl wincing and murderous.
I caught up with Cloud in the Station where he was examining the directory, the electric screen throwing soft blue light across his frowning face. I was just about to ask what the hell we were doing here when a voice that I thought I’d never hear again except perhaps in the worst kind of nightmares boomed out a greeting from behind us.
I turned slowly, feeling decidedly ill, to meet a nightmarish vision of fake tan and bulging muscle.
Oh Gods NO...ANYONE but him! Argh!